Envy. A green eyed, gripping, relentlessly present emotion, that I cannot learn to control.
In years, I know I will laugh – how silly to become so entrapped in someone so previously irrelevant to my existence.
For now, I see only him – his face, his smile, his rainy damp hair, his soft practiced touch against mine.
I can almost feel his lips, the heat of his face, as he inclines it towards mine – wanting me, and feeling me.
The rhythm of our heartbeats – together, together, so softly.
The butterflies when I see him, and when he sees me. I know he’s not the one- but I know he’s one of the ones, and I cannot unfeel it.
I cannot unfeel the pain, when he looks at her – with the same love with which he looked at me.
Their bodies – entwined, in sync as ours once were. I cannot control – the irreversible envy – when I see her smile, her laugh, her glee as she is held by him.
It makes me ugly- not as a person, but as a character.
I will never know what I did wrong, or what she has that I do not. These will remain untold, everlasting mysteries in my existence.
What I know is that this was an unspoken battle – in which she is the victor, and I have lost.
I have lost, and I have become lost.
But – I will be found again,
I know this.
by Emily Stewart, 17, MHSG, U.K